Some Of The Truth

     

     In my family I am always been taught to just seek out what I am doing wrong. At a young age my mother asked who wanted to help her clean the house, being younger and always wanting to do things with your mother I volunteered. Even back then she used to yell at me and get frustrated because I wasn't doing things right, I was five.

     I've grown up in an enviroment where I'm not told, "your pretty," I'm told, "Well you would be pretty if.." Never told I'm smart, only told, "Well you should try harder" any and all accomplishments I've ever made are just another day to my family. I guess I have never been enough. Everyday my mother comes home she already sees something in me that she has to fix, for once I want to be good enough.

     But does it really matter to me? No its sad, knowning that when I leave this home I am probably never going to come back, not even because I don't want to but I can't, I can't help but just feel horrible every single minute that I am in this place. I used to cry in private, but now I don't even care, I'll cry openly in front of my family, not that they care, they just call me dramatic, they sigh and say, "Here she goes again. . ."

      But you know what is the worst thing about all of this? The fact that there are families far worse beyond mine, yet I have the nerve to pity myself, which just makes me feel worse about everything that I am doing, trying to balance it all out is the worse possible solution, so I guess I will have to drown in my own thoughts until someone, anyone, drags me out to shore, probably just to leave me there, because they don't care either.

#17 I am thankful for age, even though as I get older I will probably regret saying this, imagine if everyone just stayed the same age forever? Imagine being fifteen forever? Needless to say that the government is run, by a bunch of idiots now, but what if they were all just fifteen, too young for those kinds of responsibility, there would be no birthdays, and no legal age to drink. Age is what life's way of telling you to move on from one phase to another. I don't think that I would be able to without someone there pushing me, showing me the way, although age is mostly physical and "but a number" I feel like it helps people reminisce of a life before, how could we have memories if they were all at the same time so to say, how would I move out if I stayed fifteen forever?

Freedom is overrated?

I told myself that once I was out of your grasp,

out from your hell,

from under your wing,

I would be free of you,

but here I am,

 indecisive,



chained to your charisma,

enslaved by your charm,

trapped through your smile,

where am I to go,

I reach toward the sky,

with my feet still on the ground,

cement blocks strapped to my feet,

wings crushed by your horror,

imagination destroyed by your manipulation,

hope disintegrate by your judgement,

but then again it was my fault,

for coming back to you again.

#16 I am thankful for that fact that I can learn from my mistakes, I have no idea how we as a whole would be able to move forward, become innovative, or quite frankly live, if we had not learned from our past. History repeats itself, people may seem changed but they never truly are, you can drill into a person's head what is right and wrong, but they will never truly understand what is outside of their own nature. If we can all find one fault in our selves then maybe we can come to accept two faults in someone else. We can find a reason to love instead of a reason to hate, and ultimately learn to come together on the things that we love, not be torn apart by them.

Up To The Sky, Just To Fall Back On The Ground

 

My feet were planted firmly on the ground

So why am I high in the sky right now?

Floating freely

but underneath sinking deeply

everything in life has a dark twist to it

almost as if we are never just "safe" 

I can try and pull my self out from underneath a black whole,

but do I really ever escape?

#13 I am grateful for having blogger in the first place, it has actually brought me some pretty cool experiences and I have been able to share my true feelings about anything and not have to feel like hiding them from the public (:

Found An Old Paper I did

     I took a moment to look around, unsure of what to think. Fear had overruled

my mind, as with so many other humans, in fact that was the one thing that had

brought us closer, through fear. After a struggle freedom seems impossible.

Once you fall it's hardest to get up. So how is it that I am here now? How is it

that a place so corrupt can still be beautiful? yet, it is still possible.

Nature's beauty is intoxicating, the way it soothes your mind, cleanses your

soul, as if you are at peace with the world for just a moment. A moment you

wish could last forever.

      To breath in a fresh breath of this air, crisp and cool on a day like

this, almost as if to run to a secret place faraway. To be at rest and forget

the pressure upon your everyday life, not being expected of anything, no need

to run from your mistakes. Felonies are a thing of the past, love is of the

future. Un-burdened, almost weightless, trying to make this last as long as

you possibly can.

       A feeling of relaxation overtakes your body; you begin to wonder why you

decided to deal with such a harsh world in the first place. then you realize you

had to. Reality strikes, you stand up, almost coming out of your own dream,

and walk away. Leaving this beauty for someone else to notice, or perhaps,

be ignored.

#12 I am grateful for relief, imagine having to feel burdened your whole life. It is absolutely true when someone tells you that the way your mindset is can affect your whole life, because, trust me, it can. The more negative I am some days, the worse those days go, but the feeling that you can wake up the next morning lie in bed and just feel damn relieved, that is the best feeling anyone could ask for, you can't forget memories, but you can replace them, and you can make new ones.